I love the Localswell forum, including all the trash talking that goes on between various sectors of the surfing community. It’s not my bag these days, but it reminds of when I was younger and more inclined to be dogmatic about things – longboarders vs. shortboarders, surfers vs. boogie boarders.

It’s not what I want this blog to be however. I’m trying not to make this just a trail of invectives against this group or that. But recent news has highlighted one group of people on the water who absolutely deserve my utter disdain and will continue to get it no matter how gray and equanimous I become: jet skiers.

To put it simply, they suck. How bad? Well, there’s more proof here this week, with news about the dolphin pod in the Shrewsbury River. Animal activists are worried about the dolphins partly because boaters, and yes, jet skiers, continue to get so close, endangering the dolphins.

I was not surprised at all to read it. There are tons of things I hate about personal water craft. They’re noisy. They’re annoying. But also because of all the craft on the water – from fishing boats to boogie boards to inflatable rafts, they’re simply the most oafish and least fun craft on the water. It takes no skill whatsoever to drive one. And, I am convinced, it takes a true cretin to enjoy doing so.

I have tried them periodically over the years, most recently a couple of years ago when my buddy was housesitting in Oceanport and told me to take the one in his aunt’s yard for a spin. I had surfed that whole morning in Bay Head. It was one of those June days, hot air, cold water, foggy, the Jersey ocean still shaking off its winter greyness. But the drops were fun, the walls glassy and head high and I surfed until my arms turned spaghetti.

So it was striking hours later when I sat on the PWC and took it for a ride. First I went fast straight. Then I went fast on a turn. And then, well, I realized, that’s about all the thing does. It goes fast. It goes straight. It turns. Oh yeah, and it spews smoke in my face.

Compared to the surfboard I had been on, trimming and carving along the waves, the thing felt like I had hopped off a graceful thoroughbred and saddled up on a hippo. It was bulky, loud and dopey. There was no skill required. After ten minutes of this inanity, I was bored and thinking about lunch.

Here’s the difference: When you surf, you are harnessing, literally, a wave of energy born hundreds or thousands of miles away. Using your years of experience and practice and conditioning, you work to put yourself in precisely that spot where that long traveled wave will release its energy, it’s most kinetic point before it disperses back into oblivion. If done right, it is graceful beyond words.

When you ride a jet ski, you press a button, make a loud noise and go “Weeeee!”

So I’m not surprised the jet skiers are bothering the dolphins. It’s a frustrating experience driving a PWC, and a boring one, too. It does so little, and requires even less. Nothing, really, than a mind small enough to delight in the inanity of such pursuits.